DANC Party

NEW 1652 ‘PROVE YOUR ROOTS’ ACT IS PASSED In a bold move that is the first of its kind since the dawn of democracy, the DANC Party has managed that is has secretly managed to push a bill through Parliament that is once again set to rock the South African socio-political landscape.  At a press conference called late last night in the bathroom at Nando’s in the red-light district of Cape Town, Helen Zuma issued a formal statement that outlined moves that will significantly impact the ongoing land invasions in the City of Cape Town and elsewhere. “In essence” said the elated Chief Induna: “We have managed to officially agree on a definition of what constitutes a ‘land invader’ or ‘land occupier’ as you people in the media like to refer to us” she said jokingly with her trademark smile. ”In fact, this new Bill which has already been passed into law will help to determine what, in fact, a South African is.” When pushed for details of the surely contestable bill, she gave the two gathered journalists her trademark direct gaze and lifted an eyebrow as she cryptically muttered: “Why do you think the secrecy bill had to be passed?” In another surprise move after months of total silence, the DANC Party earlier PPRR Julius De Lille made an announcement outside Parliament that the Party and its faithful have successfully occupied the Company Gardens overnight and that a total of 32 dwellings and a fast food outlet had been erected by dawn today.  “We have managed to complete phases 1 and 2” said a tired but victorious De Lille: “Phase 1 consists of 19, 3-bedroom units and phase 2 has a total of 13, 4-bedroom units.” She went on to say that all of these homes have already been occupied by typical South African families who were all able to trace their roots back to this area prior to 1652. She went on to say that the Party was anticipating an abundance of available properties with the announcement of this new law.” In response to this announcement, new light is shed on what has become an issue of both fundamental human rights as well as constitutional rights. “Evictions of illegal land dwellers must be done humanely” the SA Human Rights Commission (SAHRC) said in Cape Town. “Sheriffs of the court and assisting police should treat evictees with dignity and respect at all times” SAHRC commissioner Mohamed Ameermia said at the inquiry investigating the removal of people and structures from private land in Lwandle, Cape Town. “There should also be no unreasonable damage to property” because verifiable South Africans could quite easily relocate added De Lille.  “In conclusion, we have got to look at evictions in a humane way in the spirit of Ubuntu (African concept of humanity),” he said. This will also have a major impact on Human Settlements Minister Lindiwe Sisulu assessments of what is contained in the final report of the inquiry she set up to probe the forced removals off the SA National Roads Agency Limited road reserve on June 2 and 3. The SAHRC had submitted a report with its recommendations to the inquiry. It indicated it was busy with its own inquiry on the removals and reserved its rights. Ameermia said evictions would normally only have been able to take place on the basis of a court order and the State had to abide by the Prevention of Illegal Eviction from and Unlawful Occupation of Land Act, but now it would be subject to the new Prove Your Roots Act. In the meantime, evictees should be given the opportunity to be involved in the resolution of the dispute, and not be seen as an afterthought. Plans should be made for alternative accommodation. Municipalities should be joined to any eviction order to facilitate these contingency plans. Lwandle evictees were forced to find shelter in the Nomzamo community hall. Just over 300 people were still living in the hall three months after the eviction, inquiry chair Denzil Potgieter said: “We are not sure what the developments around that are going to be but we are keeping an eye on that aspect,” he said. The inquiry previously heard that people would be moved back to the land they were evicted from. Sanitation and basic services were being provided. After visiting the land on the inquiry found that 483 temporary structures had been erected and the majority were occupied. Sapa

NEW 1652 ‘PROVE YOUR ROOTS’ ACT IS PASSED
In a bold move that is the first of its kind since the dawn of democracy, the DANC Party has managed that is has secretly managed to push a bill through Parliament that is once again set to rock the South African socio-political landscape.
At a press conference called late last night in the bathroom at Nando’s in the red-light district of Cape Town, Helen Zuma issued a formal statement that outlined moves that will significantly impact the ongoing land invasions in the City of Cape Town and elsewhere.
“In essence” said the elated Chief Induna: “We have managed to officially agree on a definition of what constitutes a ‘land invader’ or ‘land occupier’ as you people in the media like to refer to us” she said jokingly with her trademark smile. ”In fact, this new Bill which has already been passed into law will help to determine what, in fact, a South African is.”
When pushed for details of the surely contestable bill, she gave the two gathered journalists her trademark direct gaze and lifted an eyebrow as she cryptically muttered: “Why do you think the secrecy bill had to be passed?”
In another surprise move after months of total silence, the DANC Party earlier PPRR Julius De Lille made an announcement outside Parliament that the Party and its faithful have successfully occupied the Company Gardens overnight and that a total of 32 dwellings and a fast food outlet had been erected by dawn today.
“We have managed to complete phases 1 and 2” said a tired but victorious De Lille: “Phase 1 consists of 19, 3-bedroom units and phase 2 has a total of 13, 4-bedroom units.”
She went on to say that all of these homes have already been occupied by typical South African families who were all able to trace their roots back to this area prior to 1652. She went on to say that the Party was anticipating an abundance of available properties with the announcement of this new law.”
In response to this announcement, new light is shed on what has become an issue of both fundamental human rights as well as constitutional rights.
“Evictions of illegal land dwellers must be done humanely” the SA Human Rights Commission (SAHRC) said in Cape Town.
“Sheriffs of the court and assisting police should treat evictees with dignity and respect at all times” SAHRC commissioner Mohamed Ameermia said at the inquiry investigating the removal of people and structures from private land in Lwandle, Cape Town.
“There should also be no unreasonable damage to property” because verifiable South Africans could quite easily relocate added De Lille.
“In conclusion, we have got to look at evictions in a humane way in the spirit of Ubuntu (African concept of humanity),” he said.
This will also have a major impact on Human Settlements Minister Lindiwe Sisulu assessments of what is contained in the final report of the inquiry she set up to probe the forced removals off the SA National Roads Agency Limited road reserve on June 2 and 3.
The SAHRC had submitted a report with its recommendations to the inquiry. It indicated it was busy with its own inquiry on the removals and reserved its rights.
Ameermia said evictions would normally only have been able to take place on the basis of a court order and the State had to abide by the Prevention of Illegal Eviction from and Unlawful Occupation of Land Act, but now it would be subject to the new Prove Your Roots Act.
In the meantime, evictees should be given the opportunity to be involved in the resolution of the dispute, and not be seen as an afterthought. Plans should be made for alternative accommodation. Municipalities should be joined to any eviction order to facilitate these contingency plans.
Lwandle evictees were forced to find shelter in the Nomzamo community hall. Just over 300 people were still living in the hall three months after the eviction, inquiry chair Denzil Potgieter said: “We are not sure what the developments around that are going to be but we are keeping an eye on that aspect,” he said.
The inquiry previously heard that people would be moved back to the land they were evicted from. Sanitation and basic services were being provided. After visiting the land on the inquiry found that 483 temporary structures had been erected and the majority were occupied.
Sapa

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At a function attended by nearly seven people in the stalled, middle elevator of the exclusively prestigious African Pride Crystal Towers Hotel and Spa – which just happens to be owned by an unnamed Chinese businessman who just happens to be the main sponsor of the Party – the unimpeachable DANC Party-Head Helen Zuma, confirmed serious rumours of behind-the-scenes allegations of a high-level plot involving the IEC and senior government officials who are said to be behind the ‘oversight’ that saw the DANC Party being excluded from the official ballot. “This is criminal” grunted the Chief-Induna who went on to say that the DANC Party-Heads were in negotiations with their legal team about the possibility of hatching a scheme to lay formal charges at the International Criminal Court in The Hague. She went on to say that despite efforts to undermine the Party, there was an increase in membership of 164% since October 2013 when there was just one Party member.  PPRR Julius De Lille who was also present in the elevator said that the attempts by the IEC to side-line the Party first surfaced in March. ‘We knew all about their intentions and in response we contacted a private Israeli firm and instituted our own secret and independently paid for Electoral Commission to oversee our own fair and free elections.”  Mister De Lille went on to say that he was confident of a resounding success when the real official results are eventually released sometime in the next trimester.

POST ELECTION STATEMENT

At a function attended by nearly seven people in the stalled, middle elevator of the exclusively prestigious African Pride Crystal Towers Hotel and Spa – which just happens to be owned by an unnamed Chinese businessman who just happens to be the main sponsor of the Party – the unimpeachable DANC Party-Head Helen Zuma, confirmed serious rumours of behind-the-scenes allegations of a high-level plot involving the IEC and senior government officials who are said to be behind the ‘oversight’ that saw the DANC Party being excluded from the official ballot.

“This is criminal” grunted the Chief-Induna who went on to say that the DANC Party-Heads were in negotiations with their legal team about the possibility of hatching a scheme to lay formal charges at the International Criminal Court in The Hague. She went on to say that despite efforts to undermine the Party, there was an increase in membership of 164% since October 2013 when there was just one Party member.

PPRR Julius De Lille who was also present in the elevator said that the attempts by the IEC to side-line the Party first surfaced in March. ‘We knew all about their intentions and in response we contacted a private Israeli firm and instituted our own secret and independently paid for Electoral Commission to oversee our own fair and free elections.”

Mister De Lille went on to say that he was confident of a resounding success when the real official results are eventually released sometime in the next trimester.

Election Poster LRamaphosa Election Poster MHarris Election Poster PMalema Election Poster CMasibuko Election Poster TRamphele

The DANC Party art project was launched in 2013 with the specific intention of highlighting the farcical nature of a multi-party democracy within a South African context, and to draw attention to the parallels that exist amongst the major parties. Within the globalized capitalist market, the claim that political decisions and policies are implemented to fulfil the will and aspirations of the majority of citizens is preposterous when one considers that these decisions and policies are dictated by an elitist ideology which by its very design creates and maintains inequality, corruption and injustice.  The project appropriates images and other promotional propaganda from political parties and through synthesis, mimicry and inversion, seeks to debunk the absurdity of their claims. The DANC Party incorporates performance, installation and public art, as well as online publication and media into its practices.

THE DANC PARTY LAUNCH STATEMENT

The party to end all politics

DANC is the party for the people. All people. The peoples. Big people, little people, brown people, pale people, broad people and narrow people. People who have facial hair and people who have hair styles: rich, poor, indebted, bankrupt; the bigots, racists, homophobes, homosexuals and transsexuals of all hues – you are welcome if you are willing to pay your dues. On time every time and when and how it is demanded of you by the PARTY.

We make no promises, but we do guarantee that “You will be dissatisfied and disappointed once you leave the PARTY!” We promise nothing; but we guarantee:

  • We will maintain the status-quo.
  • We will legitimize our sponsors’ actions through legislative and constitutional prerogatives.
  • We will ensure that our primary supporters retain their primary status.
  • We will create opportunities for our primary supporters:
  • While simultaneously creating opportunities for our ‘chosen’ officials to enrich themselves at the expense of the poor and vulnerable; women, men and children.
  • We will seek investment from the most profitable Corporations and lesser-known organized crime cartels.
  • We will ensure that all chosen officials have sufficient houses to accommodate all husbands/wives, children, bodyguards, acolytes, praise-singers, groupies and random hangers-on.
  • We will DANC!

 DANC PARTY MANIFESTO

DANC Party Manifesto

TOGETHER WE MOVE SOUTH AFRICA INTO A CESSPIT

Last year we began a journey to eradicate the tenuous existence of the rainbow. It has been more than twenty years since Apartheid was given its facelift and the lives of the vast majority of South Africans have remained unchanged, but we have managed to successfully white-wash the image of the country in the local and international media since 1994.

Over the last few months the DANC Party has successfully implemented various projects with a select cabal of privileged South Africans with whom we will probably be doing more to fight for poverty and unemployment as well as to reduce inequality amongst those whom we favour.

Despite the negative global economic situation, we have managed to line our pockets and successfully hampered social gains. More of our people have been lifted out of the gutter and placed in the cesspit; we have created more menial jobs; expanded hand-outs and subsidies to big business and international investors; built more shoddy houses and reduced the scope of basic services through police brutality and suppression; destroyed any notion of a decent education; but private health care is great for those who can afford it.

Even though the challenges facing our country are immense, it is and will remain none of our concern. Poverty, inequality and unemployment are someone else’s problem. Corruption is the life-blood of our social fabric and increases our efforts to undermine our developmental efforts. Azania has begun a new and far-reaching phase of its quasi-democratic transition. This calls for bloody and decisive steps to place our economy on a qualitatively different path. The National Development Plan (NDP) aims to shift focus from the socio-economic realities and eradicate any talk of poverty-alleviation, unemployment or inequality by 2030.

Over the next five years DANC will:

  • Build an exclusive economy that creates more menial job
  • Transform our rural areas into world class, unaffordable tourist destinations
  • Ensure the steady growth of informal settlements with indecent living conditions
  • Improve and expand education and training for guide dogs and flunkies
  • Ensure low quality health care and increase the infant mortality rate
  • Expand comprehensive social insecurity
  • Fight corruption and crime when it doesn’t benefit us
  • Build a divided nation and promote tribal cohesion

Our Pledge

This manifesto is our pledge to keep South Africa in the cesspit, TOGETHER.

This manifesto sets out carefully considered and bold commitments to self-enrichment that can be funded by our corporate sponsors over the next five years and beyond. All levels of DANC Party goers will implement this manifesto, and we will ensure that it is ineffectually monitored.

While the DANC Party will take a lead, each and every one of you has a role to play in the unquestioning adherence to this manifesto.

As the DANC Party we further pledge to:

  • Remain true to our dodgy values, lack of service delivery, human-sacrifice, self enrichment-solidarity, dishonesty, inhumanity, arrogance, self-indiscipline, mutual disdain and an exploitative work environment as well as a go-slow work ethic.
  • Work with our allies and destroy our detractors and any voices of dissent as we have set out in this manifesto.
  • Strengthen the bonds of mistrust and disunity amongst our people where these have been mended and continue to listen to and effectively communicate with the voices in our heads.
  • Act against the rule of law to ensure that DANC Party members are never found guilty.
  • The DANC Party will continue to work with absolutely no experience, capacity nor political will, to immobilize and divide all South Africans and brutalize them until they accept this manifesto.

 The commitments of this manifesto are incoherent, realistic and achievable.

 DANC is THE PARTY! The ONE and ONLY PARTY! The Party to END ALL POLITICS!


VOTE RIGGING MARS ELECTIONS

VOTE RIGGING MARS ELECTIONS! After almost five months of a bitterly contested feud for the position of Chief-Induna, the Ape Times can exclusively confirm that the elections for the position of Head of The Party has been won by none other than Helen Zuma. Despite widespread claims of vote rigging, coercion and threats, the results were upheld by an independent investigative board of lackeys who dismissed all allegations of wrong-doing. In a statement released earlier today by the Party-Head of Patronizing-Propaganda-and-Regurgitated-Rhetoric (PPRR), Julius De Lille insisted that “This is the best thing that could have happened because we now no longer need to suffer the protracted member losses due to insubordination. Mister De Lille went on to say that “The cost of the funerals for these disgruntled members was costing the Party an arm and a leg and at least now we can afford to pay our Eskom bill.” When asked for commentary, the now Next-To-Chief-Induna smiled and told this journalist to crawl back into the smug hole I crept out of.

After almost five months of a bitterly contested feud for the position of Chief-Induna, the Ape Times can exclusively confirm that the elections for the position of Head of The Party has been won by none other than Helen Zuma.
Despite widespread claims of vote rigging, coercion and threats, the results were upheld by an independent investigative board of lackeys who dismissed all allegations of wrong-doing. In a statement released earlier today by the Party-Head of Patronizing-Propaganda-and-Regurgitated-Rhetoric (PPRR), Julius De Lille insisted that “This is the best thing that could have happened because we now no longer need to suffer the protracted member losses due to insubordination. Mister De Lille went on to say that “The cost of the funerals for these disgruntled members was costing the Party an arm and a leg and at least now we can afford to pay our Eskom bill.”
When asked for commentary, the now Next-To-Chief-Induna smiled and told this journalist to crawl back into the smug hole I crept out of.


DANC PARTY LAUNCH

helen zuma                                                 jacob zille

On the 7th of December 2013 the South African political landscape finally moved beyond the tired monochrome shades by which it was previously defined when an all-new party was insinuated into the democratic psyche. A process of public participation was initiated at the Anarchist Bookfair when an open-internal election was held to determine the office of President and Deputy President. Vying for these vaulted positions were the familiar faces of Helen Zuma and Jacob Zille who were not present due to prior commitments involving a hairdresser and a vet respectively. It has however been widely rumoured that the vote was rigged and party-head of Patronizing-Propaganda-and-Regurgitated-Rhetoric (PPRR) Julius De Lille tweeted: “The results don’t matter. We did the right thing. The food was free.” In a more formal statement, the PPRR  also said: “I am the real brains behind the presidency and as a result, it is completely immaterial which of the two candidates occupies the highest office. The ball’s in my court and if the candidates and the public don’t want to play by the rules, I will take them off my court and away from my balls.” He went on to say: “For now, all you need to know is that fresh elections will be held in due course and until an announcement is made, all I can tell you is that the people know that they are being lied to because we are the only party that is honest about the fact that we are lying.”

ballet form


 ANOTHER DANC PARTY COUP

“Another victory before the race is run” says PPRR.

Election Poster JDe Lille In a brilliant display of sell-out diplomacy and uneven-handed negotiations, the DANC Party has announced the conclusion of no less than seven, multi-billion bit-coin deals that will guarantee another passive-aggressive underhanded, handover of power at the next polls. In a statement released today, party-head of Patronizing-Propaganda-and-Regurgitated-Rhetoric (PPRR) Julius De Lille, said that after watching an independent documentary on youtube, he hit upon the idea that has led to this ‘New Deal’. “We have secretly signed confidential agreements with certain anonymous entities – who are well known to us all but don’t like the limelight –have guaranteed that the status-quo will be maintained indefinitely.” The Ape Times has also determined that in exchange for these anonymous entities’ support, these anonymous entities will receive the soon-to-be-ex-president’s private residence which will then become a sovereign state, where they will open an exclusive nightclub and adult resort for raunchy ex-presidents from across the continent and the globe. –          Ape Times staff reporter


 DANC PARTY – ARTIST STATEMENT

OUR PROMISES ARE EMPTY!

OUR PROMISES ARE EMPTY!

The DANC Party art project was launched in 2013 with the specific intention of highlighting the farcical nature of a multi-party democracy within a South African context, and to draw attention to the parallels that exist amongst the major parties.

Within the globalized capitalist market, the claim that political decisions and policies are implemented to fulfil the will and aspirations of the majority of citizens is preposterous when one considers that these decisions and policies are dictated by an elitist ideology which by its very design creates and maintains inequality, corruption and injustice.

The project appropriates images and other promotional propaganda from political parties and through synthesis, mimicry and inversion, seeks to debunk the absurdity of their claims.

The DANC Party incorporates performance, installation, public participatory processes and public art, as well as online publication and media into its practices.

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