The Ape Times is a nominally free and interdependent new online publication committed to reporting whatever our corporate sponsors and advertisers approve of in a way that is openly biased and totally devoid of fact.
VOTE RIGGING MARS ELECTIONS!
After almost five months of a bitterly contested feud for the position of Chief-Induna, the Ape Times can exclusively confirm that the elections for the position of Head of The Party has been won by none other than Helen Zuma.
Despite widespread claims of vote rigging, coercion and threats, the results were upheld by an independent investigative board of lackeys who dismissed all allegations of wrong-doing. In a statement released earlier today by the Party-Head of Patronizing-Propaganda-and-Regurgitated-Rhetoric (PPRR), Julius De Lille insisted that “This is the best thing that could have happened because we now no longer need to suffer the protracted member losses due to insubordination. Mister De Lille went on to say that “The cost of the funerals for these disgruntled members was costing the Party an arm and a leg and at least now we can afford to pay our Eskom bill.”
When asked for commentary, the now Next-To-Chief-Induna smiled and told this journalist to crawl back into the smug hole I crept out of.
The Ape Times soon to reveal all! Allegations of vote rigging and match fixing have become synonymous with the acrimonious battle that has been waged behind the scenes in the run up to the much publicized internal vote for leader of the DANC Party.
ANOTHER APE TIMES SCOOP!
In an unconfirmed leaked serial-memo ubiquitously entitled ELECTION 419, it has become clear that the contested position of Chief Induna for the DANC Party has taken a new and scary twist as Jacob Zille and Helen Zuma prepare for the open-internal election that will see one of these two colossi become the most popular Party-Head as voted for the DANC partiers.
The Ape Times has religiously been following this often public dispute as the two former lovers have traded insults, dinners, hotel rooms, death threats and even Christmas gifts over the past few months since the party was launched without pomp and ceremony (due to budgetary restraints) last year.
The Ape Times can now inconclusively reveal that after months of wrangling, the two Primary-Party-Heads have finally agreed that the Party is more important than the egos who attend. In a joint statement that our reporter truly believes will be released soon,
it will become clear that the Primary-Party-Heads are not going to let their ‘personal spat’ (as they have both referred to it before) to stand in the way of the Party achieving a two-thirds majority of DANCers at the next party gathering which will coincide with the upcoming general elections scheduled to take place at an as yet undisclosed time and with an undisclosed but undoubtedly hefty covert-charge.
APE TIMES- DIRTY DANC COMES CLEAN
In a bold move intended to boost voter confidence, the DANC party-head of Patronizing-Propaganda-and-Regurgitated-Rhetoric (PPRR) Julius De Lille, today issued a partial-disclosure statement that puts to rest rumours of dubious funding deals that have been plaguing election efforts and fuelling the ongoing internal strife that has seen the party’s two most popular presidential candidates issuing official mutual-death-threats in the run up to a showdown that is scheduled to take place as soon as a date for the election is announced.
Mister De Lille is quoted as saying that “we only seek funding and support from individuals, governments and businesses that have dodgy credentials and whose loose morals are public knowledge.”
He went on to say that “The party’s conscience is clean, mainly because we have no conscience. We have always been open and honest about the fact that we are neither open nor honest and as a result recent rumours that we are being manipulated by foreign forces are not only true, but will have serious consequences for policy development and the currently disadvantaged masses who will no longer own a place in the sun but will now have to pay a sunshine tax for being on the street during the day.”
The list of funders includes no less than six foreign governments who are currently at war with their own citizens, 379 corporations who have been raping this country blind, 623 private businessmen involved in the arms-and-drug trades and 1084 local companies who have been benefitting from tender fraud-and-manipulation as well as acceptable instances of corruption.
The dual-heads of the party were not available for comment at the time of going to press as they were locked up on charges of public lewdity.
APE TIMES EXCLUSIVE!!
DANC defies party trends and exposes dodgy funders!
The notorious Cape Flats gang-wars are threatening to spill over into more affluent areas as Cesar ‘Killa’ Zille and Brutus ‘Blackface’ Ramphele’s blood feud captures the public’s attention. In a statement released today by Cesar ‘Killa’, the bloodthirsty gang boss has indicated that her recently-almost-to-be-bed-partner has proven “once and for all” that ‘Blackface’ Ramphele cannot be trusted. ‘Killa’ has further claimed that “Blackface’ has been playing a game of cat and mouse with gang bosses, members and runners that has resulted in knives been drawn by various 2H pencils.
JP Staggie, the former chief-enforcer-and-head-of-insecurity for the Cape’s largest and most ruthless female gangster, has conclusively confirmed that the Ugly Americans, the Young Americans, the Mongrels, the Junior Cisko Yakies and the Hard Living Kids, are poised to enter the political arena as part of an ongoing spate of mergers that has left at least two people confused and bewildered and blubbering platitudes. Speaking from her luxury cottage at Pollsmoor Prison’s F-Section for Women who curry favour, miss Staggie made yet another, as-yet-unconfirmed-prediction that within the next few weeks, at least two other people will mysteriously succumb to an excess of straight-saving-faced-sugar-coating.
These claims and allegations come amid a protracted and general state of confusion that has resulted in widespread gullibility that is rumoured to be directly linked to the drivel that at least two-talking-heads-and-the media has been feeding us.
In a brilliant display of sell-out diplomacy and uneven-handed negotiations, the DANC Party has announced the conclusion of no less than seven, multi-billion bit-coin deals that will guarantee another passive-aggressive underhanded, handover of power at the next polls.
In a statement released today, party-head of Patronizing-Propaganda-and-Regurgitated-Rhetoric (PPRR) Julius De Lille, said that after watching an independent documentary on youtube, he hit upon the idea that has led to this ‘New Deal’.
“We have secretly signed confidential agreements with certain anonymous entities – who are well known to us all but don’t like the limelight –have guaranteed that the status-quo will be maintained indefinitely.”
The Ape Times has also determined that in exchange for these anonymous entities’ support, these anonymous entities will receive the soon-to-be-ex-president’s private residence which will then become a sovereign state, where they will open an exclusive nightclub and adult resort for raunchy ex-presidents from across the continent and the globe.